When considering hindsight, it's difficult to do so completely unbiasedly, and for me especially so when it comes to remembering emotions. This is why, whenever something upset me in my relationship, I'd either write it down or immediately call Miranda to vent because if I left it alone, twelve hours later I'd forget why it was I was upset in the first place.
After reading a post in the datinandrelatin
community about "Mr. Right Now" I had what I'm going to call "a moment". I'm not sure if it was a revelation, because for all I know I'm just clinging to this concept because it makes me feel better rather than it having any truth. What I do know is this:
I'd always approached my and Alex's relationship with a "go with the flow" mentality, a "we'll see how this goes" game plan. Our relationship was ambiguous at best in the beginning (I think it was finally May of '06 when, over a MySpace message [lol forever] we confirmed that we were, in fact, each other's boy/girlfriend) and we never spoke of the future. Every love letter we wrote to each other had the tinge of "whether we're together for the next 50 days or 50 years..." I'm not sure if at some point this changed for me for realsies, or if in a panic of seeing everyone around me solidifying and legalizing their relationships I convinced myself I was feeling more seriously about things than I was. I don't know. I probably never will, what with my degenerate emotional memory.
I've been spending the last few weeks mourning the ending of my relationship, of panicking about the future state of my love life because all my hopes, dreams, and plans had been tied up in this one thing. I had forgotten that for at least two years, if not the entire time, I had been perfectly happy being on a "wait and see" wavelength. We were happy 90% of the time. We enjoyed each other's company. We made each other laugh, we made each other think. We challenged each other, and I don't doubt that we loved each other. At the time, things were just right.
I don't know if it was true for me in the last year, but for now I'm going to pretend it was: I was content to wait to see how things went, and things went great until they didn't. This is how it goes. At one point I had the emotional capacity to accept that things would end when it was time, and that the ending didn't invalidate the time and effort put in before that. So, I will cling to that, for now, and hope that it's more true for me than not.