On the other hand, it did stir up all sorts of unpleasant emotions that have left me with that knotted feeling in my stomach that I haven't been able to shake. In the last year or so I'd started paying more attention to wedding things because I'd had in the back of my mind that in a year or so I might have to plan my own, and it'd be helpful to actually have opinions on this sort of thing. So as I sat through the ceremony and went to the reception and actually noticed things like how there weren't silly decorations on the chairs, how there was a high table and it actually didn't seem too bad, how the meal seemed a bit rushed, how the introductions were done etc... it made me realize that I didn't really need to pay attention to these things anymore. While Alex and I never seriously discussed marriage, we did mention it sometimes, make jokes about it, agree that ours would be simple and inexpensive.
The moment that really solidified that uncomfortable knot in my tummy has left me feeling pretty stupid. "Brown Eyed Girl" came on, and all the emotions just hit me all at once. I felt stupid that it was such a generic song that I'm sure millions of girls with brown eyes have had applied to them, I felt stupid that it coincided with Megan's trip to the restroom, so despite my going out into the hallway to be alone to cry and not ruin anyone's fun Megan and her mom saw me anyway. I felt stupid that it was the freakin' bride who was the one to stop, ask me if I was okay, and when I unconvincingly said I was, asked "Is it Alex?", which just made me cry more. She hugged me, said she was sorry, and I told her to not worry and go out and have fun.
I'm still just so sad. To top things off I had this horrible dream where he called me and asked to meet. He sounded excited, hopeful, and I was cautiously optimistic. Then I woke up, and all I could think of was how much I want to call him up. Pathetic.